Fantasy art / comic illustration 'Transformers: No Lookie, No Touchie, No Feelie': Transformers Mirage, Trailbreaker, Hound, and a sexy park ranger

Transformers: No Lookie, No Touchie, No Feelie

© Brian Vigue

So here's a Transformers picture. Transformative Transformers. What does that mean? Well, at least in my neck of cyberspace, the fangirls have overrun the franchise, and Tumblr is their base of operation. The robots, who date each other, sniff flowers, have hearts on their chests, and do cute little human things with their hands, are showing their softer sides— unless there's a pitcher involved— he's not soft. I got the idea for this drawing around the time that a picture of Hound and Mirage partaking in a kink— yes, kink— was doing the rounds on Tumblr. The artist, my wife Cavalierconvoy. I knew she was a big Trailbreaker fan, but now these other two have come to the door asking to borrow a cup of sugar in their lingerie. Is it gay in a three-way? Is it gay on a freeway? Who knows; that isn't my shtick. But it's been a while since I've done gift art for my wife, so here's something transformative (it'll pass, it'll pass).

The theme was to demonstrate each of these guys' special powers. Mirage has invisibility; Trailbreaker, his honor shield; and Hound has his holograms. An interesting side note: why did the Autobots need, like, fifty other guys when these three were really all they needed? Invisibility is broken; hell, Mirage single-handedly won the day in the first G1 episode. Holograms are broken; Hound could generate entire landscapes with them faster than Bob Ross. And Trailbreaker rescued everyone from a collision with the sun with his force field. These three must be really irresponsible and misguided. Trailcutter, from the comics, was a well-documented alcoholic. I still think 'Breaker and 'Cutter will eventually end up as two totally separate characters— 'Cutter will be the Zilla of the Transformers franchise: he had his spotlight moment, but he'll appear again in the shady corner of the bar while 'Breaker overdoes it and wonders how to protect himself from leprechauns with purple lasers.

Anyway, all three powers had the delightful correlation of being represented with transparency effects: Mirage's gun within an invisibility cube, Trailbreaker's honor shield, and Hound's hologram. That was my first challenge: how to represent something that could be anything. What would suit Hound best? I finally decided on the obvious: a driver— a sexy park ranger with big boobs and short shorts because I had to put my Vigistry signature in there somehow. This led to the actual title of the piece, which I think fits the mindset of the horny fangirls, or at least the ones I know. The title then inspired the car wash, so you can see how my original vision of three tall and mighty, all-powerful Autobots went downhill into a terrifying pit of pink soap suds. Now it's time for these three to take out the sponges and get to work. Eh, I'll leave the sequel to Cavalierconvoy.

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